Get some perspective

Has it really been that long? Since true blissful happiness lost its importance and meaning?

Is it really happening? All that remains is a superficial laugh, without the mind or soul being involved in what is happening around.

Since when did commitment become such an issue?

Where is this leading to? What really is inspiration? Don't we want our lives to be laid out for us like a road map? Yet sometimes, even when we know where the journey is going to, we are restless. We want excitement, change, fun every moment, yet when it is happening, we fail to acknowledge it.

And what is the deal with ambition? Seriously! If we aim for something, work, work, work, and get it, what IS the big deal? We are absolutely not going to stop, once we reach somewhere. So why?

I am not frustrated or anything. I am just giving a glimpse into the kind of conversations I have been having with a new found friend. And I find it extremely interesting to wonder about these things, yet carry on in real life, as though nothing is happening to me, or bothering me!

Life ROOCKSS!

Impressions

Finally nearing the end of my intern (not really, about 3 weeks to go!) It sure has been one roller coaster ride. The monotony still kills me, but not as much as the travel. There were quite a few high points, which I dont want to forget, later when I look back at my first job. So let me record them before I forget.

An awesome friend in Hon Jie. My Singaporean-Chinese friend. One of those rare guys who loves talking about sun signs and understanding people based on that. We were mates in bitching about everything, discussing electronics, our ideal jobs, future plans, and yeah, helping out each other in work.. I remember, how during the first week, we would take turns and stay guard while the other person sleeps peacefully. That week was very drab, no computer, only some book on IT project lifecylce for company.

A great colleague cum guide cum friend in Mathew. He is this guy(man, rather, he is around 40)from Kerala, lived here for quite some time. He is my technical lead, and my only hope to understanding anything going on with the project. Lots of chats, lots of advise and experience sharing (from him), lots of info sharing, lots of learning.

Thomas. I shall always remember him as the guy whose email id I so struggled to find. His Christian name is Thomas Wong, but his chinese name is Wong Ka-Yew. I obviously was oblivious to this fact, and for nearly 3 weeks of my internship, kept sending mails to Thomas Wong (my luck, there did exist a Thomas Wong too), without any replies. I was highly frustrated, but I finally managed to get his id through some common message our supervisor had sent us all. Thomas is extremely delightful. He is the first person in AMD to have uttered encouraging words to me. He was like, (out of the blue!!), there is nothing you cannot do, be confident,etc. Ever smiling, and joking, and starts dancing as soon as he hears one of our colleague's ring tone. I always feel great around Thomas, coz he was the strongest technical person for our project.

Sudi, Aminata Sudiady - Indonesian. He is a lot of firsts for me. My first interviewer, (this is the only place where I have attended an interview!), my first boss, the first person to criticize my work so heavily that I bunked office the next day, the first person to applaud my work so much few weeks later (last week, rather) that I finally felt good about working here, the first person to buy me a locket for my phone (from China). I shall never ever forget the look on his face when he fished out the locket and gave it to me,on the day he rejoined office after a one week official trip in China. I was working for him from here, using remote desktop, and helped him to finish what he had gone there for. After a lot of stress, we managed to finish it, and over our Instant Messenger, my boss sent me a "medal" smiley. I dint know what to do. I wanted to jump out loud. I know it sounds very childish, but then to get an appreciation from a tough boss is always a moment all of us would cherish. The day he landed, he gives me this locket, like how my father gets me chocolates if he goes abroad or something. The best part is, earlier that day, one of my colleagues was telling me, that my boss is someone very tough to work with, and very tough to please, and about 6 people who were working under him quit last year one after the other. So you can imagine the amount of daze I would have been, that day.

Lots of other names and faces which I dont want to forget: Iwan Rahabook from SUN, Sean Pavan from SUN(sales), Sean Wong (Frontline,sales), Charlene (CVSI, the tall engineer), Yeat (AMD), Aw (AMD,network guy), OC Lim (AMD, power guy), Wei Wah (AMD, infrastructure guy), Eric (co-intern), Vijay Mavily (SUN, engineer cum jack of all trades), Hadijah (the receptionist), Vijayah (the loud cute singaporean indian lady, network team), the very beautiful bob cut lady who sits in the front row, with an awesomely nice kurta each day, and so on.

Phew, something nice to look back indeed.

Blogthings

What Kind of Food Are You? You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous. People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What's Your Blogging Personality? Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog. You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head. Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent. You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

Are You a Tortured Genius? You Are 62% Tortured Genius

You are smart. Brilliant in fact. And while it's a blessing, it's also a curse. Your head is filled with everything - grand ideas, insufferable worries, and a good deal of angst.

What Time Of Day Are You? You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

Deep Conversations

Of late, especially during these holidays, group hangouts are happening like everyday. Even though I enjoy going out as a gang, there are many moments when I get restless. It has got nothing to do with the people around me. It is more the Gemini in me which gets bored. There are many moments during which I dont appreciate or involve myself in the conversations happening around me.

I would rather be a part of a conversation in which I can know more about the other person, I can discuss things and express my true opinions, I can delight myself with the number of similarities or differences between myself and the other person.

Recently, I had two very interesting conversations with two of my close friends. The first one was with Sindhu, when I met her at Chennai. To say I was reenergized totally at the end of a mere 2 hours would be an understatement. I would not say we discussed everything under the sun, neither did we finish updating each other on our respective lives. It was like an everyday conversation. It just had a brilliant setting to it. Best friend. Not met each other in a year. Hot Chips restaurant. Bhel puri and Lassi. Quiet corner. Lazy summer evening. Slow waiter, giving us plenty of time to talk.

The 2 hours reflected the kind of relationship I share with Sindhu in its entirety. Neither of us expect anything from the other. Our lives have nothing in common apart from the fact that we are living away from home. It was just unconditional love. The best parts where when we compared the present with our past and future. Refreshingly, both of us felt that the current stage of life is probably our peak, and it felt good to actually realize it and share it with someone.

At the end of it, our longing to be with each other only increased, but yet, we dint part with heavy hearts. It felt more like, we are lucky we managed to meet this year. We are happy for, and happy with each other.

The second one was with Srilakshmi, my roomie for the hols, my school friend, and one person who shares my roots to a large extent. It was on the night I returned to Singapore after a week's break at Chennai. I was not depressed, but then inching towards frustration. A lot of my close friends had come to see me after the week's gap, we had dinner together, and it was fun. But strangely, there was this lump at the bottom of my heart that I might never have friendships like those I had in school, or like the one I share with my mom. I know right now I am wrong,cause I do have brilliant people around me, but I could not avoid that feeling then. So I was just tossing around in my bed, wanting to sleep, wishing I could stop thinking about the things in life that may not happen again. Sri was in a similar state, restless and sleepless. She came and sat by my side, and slowly asked about my holiday, updated me on what she had been doing, and so on and so forth. The rest is history! Suddenly we look at the clock, and its 4 am in the morning. We talked sooo much in the darkness of the room, we poured out what we had not told or discussed with anyone in a long time. It was a typical 20-year old girl talk. I felt on top of the world at the end of it.

Such deep,interesting and confessional conversations just revitalize me, and help me move on life with expectations and enthusiasm.

Monotonic Depression

Is this what I have been working for the past 20 years? Well to be absolutely frank, monotony kills me. I want to sketch each day the way i want it. There should be a few fixed things, but thats it, the rest I should be able to figure out. But work life ? I feel like I have been put in an infinite tornado. Probably the one thing that terrifies me is, being put in a closed space, with no way out. Its like, I get up at 5.45 everyday, cook food, leave room at 7, reach here late invariably, get back to my room at like 7 or 7.30 pm in the night. Forget the strain and the travel time. I have not slept many nights wondering how people actually do this for 5 days a week, for a whole year, for years together! Doesnt monotony ever creep in? Doesnt it creep in along with so much depression that people start rethinking about their job, their life, the purpose of their life, and so on? I totally wonder how my parents, my relatives and my older friends do it! Hats off!

Am in a philosophical mood. I am wondering what life is about. I am struck by the movie "namesake". I have realized a lot.. Life is not about finding your dream university/ career/ true love / dream house or any emotional or material joy. Life is all about being in love with life. Hail the person who said "Happiness is along the road, not at the end of it". Its about getting back to those things that make you truly happy. Its about not losing oneself, yet not being too rigid. Its about trying to be happy in simple ways. The big things in life suddenly don't seem to make the difference. I will never forget this scene when Ashima (Tabu) dissolves Ashok's ashes in the Ganges. She did it with so much tranquility and detachment. She knew that the meaning of her life was dissolving away with Ashok. Yet she was praying for his happiness. She could move on with her life, get back to music, and got to know her children better. After all those years of being together, she had nothing of his, that she could call hers. Infact, she did not want anything. She had enjoyed life with him. Now it was over, and she had to find her next joy. How simple, yet how difficult to do it. I am wondering why I am doing all that I am doing. Am I truly happy? What IS true happiness? I dont want to be "thrilled" about something. I want to be quietly happy about it! (quoted from the movie). Phew, thats quite a task. I want to sit back, take a detached view, and feel happy about the moment. I want some time to enjoy the rain. I want some time to read books. I want some time to dream aimlessly. I want some time to write long beautiful mails to my old friends. I want time to get back to my stitching and painting. I want time for myself. I want to gaze out on the beautiful fields as I travel on the train (I mean the Indian trains). I want to listen to beautiful Hindustani music, be moved, and cry. I want to time to make my room look beautiful. I want time to get back to my love of collecting European pictures and sceneries. I want time to play with my little sister. I want time to learn cooking from grandmom. Well, actually, my list is endless. As I write this, I wonder... How the hell am I so busy that I cant do any of these? What am I doing? Am I redefining my happiness to suit my present schedule? I wont say life sucks. But life can be better, and it is in my hands. Time to be reborn :)

For the past 2 years, I have known this great man. One in a million. Never ceases to inspire me and awe me. Infact inspire and awe all fellow IIE members. I have so much to talk about him! Amazing music knowledge. I guess he defines who a purist should be! He absolutely can't take it even if BP plays a small note differently from the classical version. His creativity is boundless. Man, I can't forget his piece, odi vilayadu papa for tatva. That piece in Kapi, (veena part).. it haunted us all! We were humming that singular line for weeks together after it fell on our ears. Just mind blowing. Today, if some one casually hums any bit of that amazing composition, it stirs up everyone like electricity. The energy he has.. he is sooo fast for his age that we all, (so called youth) cant keep pace with him. He stands for 5 hours at a stretch, controlling a crowd of 60 restless "kids". Not even an iota of tiredness. Doesn't need food or water. All he wants is perfection from us. Good, pure touching music, as he likes it! And when we give like 60% of his standards and expectations, he is the happiest man. He would be like, "That was a very good concentration on your part. Just cooperate, and we will do what I want. I am happy with you all, etc. ". The heights of positive thinking. Well I guess my admiration for him is multifold simply because he is a teacher. Especially, a music teacher. A music teacher - who can sing and sway in both the carnatic and hindustani directions, play violin with his eyes closed, make us forget ourselves in his melodious and soft notes on the flute,and above all, a person with a really really large heart! well for those who might have guessed, yes - am talking about thyagu sir! for those who have not, this is C.N.Thyagaraju for you! Cheers to you sir!

My home country sometimes leaves me utterly confused and lost. Ever since I started studying in Singapore, and started coming here only for the holidays, my biggest challenge is - not to judge my country. I somehow have this belief that judging the country is equivalent to judging one's parents, which I think is quite a sin. Might sound harsh - but my principles in this area are strong as steel. Each time I come down for holidays, I experience something different, which leaves me puzzled. Yesterday, we went to a foam factory (not the soap foam, but the sponge ones that we use for mattress etc..) My dad knew the owner, so we just went to have a look at the process. Of course it was quite educational, the chemistry, the engineering awed me. But what struck me was the fact that inspite of all the expensive machinery, nothing would be possible, without human labour. We sometimes say, why do people beg, why cant they just find work somewhere, and earn their living?? Yesterday, I realised, some of the workers there, must have actually been such people, who are toiling to earn their daily bread.. It gave me hope, but gave me the creeps too.. dont ask why.. probably it was the danger involved in the factory.. probably am too feminine to see that there is probably nothing dangerous in the process.. still.. guess am rambling.. but few other things disturbed me.. like the horrible horrible roads, the nasty and irritating traffic, the sick and dusty air, a looooooot of things never change here.. the surprising thing is, there are dozens of MNC's on each road, with glass buildings.. but not one of them bother to change the approach, the drainage outside their office, the smell etc etc.. tis soooooo surprising.. dont people ever think how much it affects their business? After having spent so much on their buildings and offices and infrastructure, cant they spend a penny on their community?? dont they realise it is driving off so many customers from them? atleast they can do it for their own selfish gains.. no way, im talking about spending money.. for cleanliness.. fir society... sorry, forgot it doesnt happen even in dreams.. sometimes these ceo's make me sick!! people not caring about spitting, throwing rubbish.. thinking, what difference is this going to make, everyone does it.. blah blah.. all those movies, those ad campaigns, nothing will change our attitude.. but other events r also happening.. like vaas pointed out.. loads of progress.. like mahesh pointed out.. slow progress.. hot debate the other day.. but twas good coz it brought out the indian in us in every way.. we were shouting and arguing in the beach.. oblivious of everyting.. sumtimes it jus feels great to do tat.. but when my frend told me this.. "for me every little thing tht india does is celebration..." i was bowled.. i realized this is the attitude i wanted to have.. i have been searching so long.. everywhere.. trying to place how i feel abt my india.. as i come across ppl from other nations.. i realize how how superficial these ppl actually are.. how less they value things.. how lil charm life holds for them.. how painful their past has been.. mayb im wrong.. but the big money holders and the big achievers cant enjoy the lil tings in life.. i hav no such regrets.. after all... i am an indian.. maa tujhe salaam